Unbalanced Power Relationship-Week Seven

An unbalanced power relationship is exhausting and unfair. If you are the person with more power, you make all the rules. What you say goes and no one is able to argue that. In some situations, it is important for one person to have the power. For example, parent to child relationships. Although it is important for the parent(s) to have the power or control, it is important for them to still have a healthy and balanced relationship with their children. Even in situations where it is normal to have a person with more power, it is important for them to not completely dominate the other person.

If you are the person with less power, you are at a great disadvantage. It is tiring and draining when you are always being told what to do and how to do it. I often feel bad for the janitors at my job. Most of them do not have great English speaking skills and are women in their forties. Rather than create a relationship with the house keeping staff, I have seen a lot of my coworkers and managers boss them around. Although they may not be out on the sales floor or in meetings all day, their jobs are just as important as ours. If we did not have the housekeeping staff, we would not be able to function. Rather than have an unbalanced power relationship where I am always demanding things from them, I have shown the staff that I appreciate what they do and am always thanking them for their assistance. I have shown them that I do not think that I have power over them, because I don’t. We are all a team and should work together to create a happy environment.

Trust-Week Seven

         When someone breaks my trust, I usually have a hard time forgiving him or her. More often then not, I would rather drop the friendship then give someone a second chance. However, there are a few people in my life that are too important to lose.

         When my boyfriend and I had first started dating, he lied to me about where he was. The lie was stupid and insignificant; he had no real reason to lie to me. Once I found out that he was lying, I felt sick to my stomach. I had put my trust in him and I did not understand how he could play with my emotions like that. My first reaction was to yell. I was furious. I was shouting at him on the phone, but realized it was going nowhere. We ended up talking things out, and I was able to see how truly sorry he was for hurting me.

         The only thing that can restore trust is time. It has been over a year now and sometimes I still second-guess him when he tells me things. However, they only way to get past the problem is to let him show me that he is capable of being honest with me. Because I value our relationship, I decided to work out the problem instead of giving up on him. If lying were a habit in our relationship I would end it, but because we talked about it and he has not lied to me since, I feel as if I made the right decision in letting go of my anger. 

Goal Statement-Week Five

A goal statement is, "a description of what you want specifically. It states what you want, would like, prefer, hope for, expect, or ask"(78). I really like goal statements because it is a way for both you and the other person to understand your needs/wants. I use goal statements a lot when trying to resolve conflicts because it gives me and the other person involved something to work towards. I feel like arguments are hard to resolve without goal statements because no one is really sure on what changes need to be made. When me and my boyfriend try to resolve conflicts, we each try to state some sort of change that we would like to see happen. If we do not agree, we try to compromise and come up with something that we can both work towards. When people do not set goals, things are a lot harder to accomplish.

Speaking or Listening-Week Five

 When others are speaking, I am usually focusing on what they are saying and what type of advice I can offer them. Most of my friends come to me whenever they need someone to talk to because I actually listen to their problems. However, if I am the one with some sort of a problem, I usually do not focus on what the other person is saying as much as I am my own idea. I do not completely shut the other person out, but I am usually so worked up that rather than fully listening to what the other person is saying, I just want to get my points across.

I have never tried writing down what a person has told me, but I think I would be able to do so. Even if I am mostly focused on my own thoughts, I am still hearing the other person out. I don’t think the issue is that I don’t hear them out; I think I am just too hard headed most of the time to take in what they are saying and change my perspective. So, if someone is seeking advice from me, I am all ears. However, if I am the one involved in a conflict I may be more interested in my own ideas, but I am still listening when others speak.

Stopping A Conflict-Week Five

It is usually not very hard for me to stop a conflict. I try my best to stop and listen to what the other person’s needs are to really get to the root of a problem. However, if the conflict is with someone close to me and my feelings have been hurt, I have a much harder time trying to stop, think, listen, and communicate.

Although I do not currently use this method, I believe it is a good idea to take a “time out” during an argument. The book suggests exiting temporarily or getting a glass of water. I know for me, taking showers or short walks makes me feel fresh or rejuvenated. During my next argument I will try to stop and take some time to think about things before moving on with the issue. This would allow me time to reevaluate and process what has happened. Taking time to think about things could allow me time to see things from different perspectives.

My advice is to study the S-TLC system and to figure out your strengths and weaknesses. During your next argument, try out one or two of these methods and see how they help to better your next confrontation.

Final Agreement-Week Four

A final agreement is an agreement, which lists behavioral commitments that everyone promises to abide to. The mediator keeps track of all areas of agreement so that he or she has a rough draft of all possible options. It is the mediator’s duty to strive for balance and equality for everyone, but they should remain neutral and not comment either positively or negatively on the outcome. 

One of my roommates had a dog, which annoyed everyone in the house. I was the only one who was pretty neutral about the situation, so I ended up becoming the mediator. An agreement was signed by all the roommates about rules regarding the dog, some benefiting the dog owner and some benefiting the other housemates. Everyone in the house kept a copy of the agreement so that there would be no confusion on the new house rules. In the end, this final agreement created boundaries for everyone and helped make the house much more peaceful. 

Fractionation, Framing, Reframing, and Common Ground-Week Four

Fractionation- When a mediator breaks down an argument into smaller ones. This makes it easier for the disputants to solve each problem one at a time and get to the root of the problem.

Framing- When a mediator asks questions that do not pass judgment on anyone involved.

Reframing- When a mediator takes someone’s statement, which is passing judgment or blame, and either rephrases it or reshapes it to make the disputants see it from a different light.

Common Ground- These are attitudes, values, behaviors, expectations, and goals that the disputants can agree upon.

A good example of fractionation was an argument I had with my boyfriend on Valentines Day. I was upset because I had been trying to plan a dinner with him for about 3 weeks, but he seemed to have no real interest in celebrating. Because of our busy schedules we wouldn’t have been able to do anything until after 9 so although I was fine with keeping things simple, I was hurt that he didn’t even acknowledge that it was valentines day. What I thought was his lack of interest in me, turned out to be much bigger than I had originally thought. After a few hours of talking, we broke down the initial argument into several components so we could get to the root of the problem and make sure we were both on the same page. It turned out that there were a lot of things going on in his personal and family life that were effecting our relationship and after using fractionation, we were able to discover the root of the issue. Now that we have had this talk, I see a big improvement in his overall attitude. If we hadn’t used fractionation to solve our problems, I would have thought that my boyfriend was losing interest in me when really, there were a lot of other struggles he was going through that I didn’t even know about.