Goal Statement-Week Five

A goal statement is, "a description of what you want specifically. It states what you want, would like, prefer, hope for, expect, or ask"(78). I really like goal statements because it is a way for both you and the other person to understand your needs/wants. I use goal statements a lot when trying to resolve conflicts because it gives me and the other person involved something to work towards. I feel like arguments are hard to resolve without goal statements because no one is really sure on what changes need to be made. When me and my boyfriend try to resolve conflicts, we each try to state some sort of change that we would like to see happen. If we do not agree, we try to compromise and come up with something that we can both work towards. When people do not set goals, things are a lot harder to accomplish.

Speaking or Listening-Week Five

 When others are speaking, I am usually focusing on what they are saying and what type of advice I can offer them. Most of my friends come to me whenever they need someone to talk to because I actually listen to their problems. However, if I am the one with some sort of a problem, I usually do not focus on what the other person is saying as much as I am my own idea. I do not completely shut the other person out, but I am usually so worked up that rather than fully listening to what the other person is saying, I just want to get my points across.

I have never tried writing down what a person has told me, but I think I would be able to do so. Even if I am mostly focused on my own thoughts, I am still hearing the other person out. I don’t think the issue is that I don’t hear them out; I think I am just too hard headed most of the time to take in what they are saying and change my perspective. So, if someone is seeking advice from me, I am all ears. However, if I am the one involved in a conflict I may be more interested in my own ideas, but I am still listening when others speak.

Stopping A Conflict-Week Five

It is usually not very hard for me to stop a conflict. I try my best to stop and listen to what the other person’s needs are to really get to the root of a problem. However, if the conflict is with someone close to me and my feelings have been hurt, I have a much harder time trying to stop, think, listen, and communicate.

Although I do not currently use this method, I believe it is a good idea to take a “time out” during an argument. The book suggests exiting temporarily or getting a glass of water. I know for me, taking showers or short walks makes me feel fresh or rejuvenated. During my next argument I will try to stop and take some time to think about things before moving on with the issue. This would allow me time to reevaluate and process what has happened. Taking time to think about things could allow me time to see things from different perspectives.

My advice is to study the S-TLC system and to figure out your strengths and weaknesses. During your next argument, try out one or two of these methods and see how they help to better your next confrontation.

Final Agreement-Week Four

A final agreement is an agreement, which lists behavioral commitments that everyone promises to abide to. The mediator keeps track of all areas of agreement so that he or she has a rough draft of all possible options. It is the mediator’s duty to strive for balance and equality for everyone, but they should remain neutral and not comment either positively or negatively on the outcome. 

One of my roommates had a dog, which annoyed everyone in the house. I was the only one who was pretty neutral about the situation, so I ended up becoming the mediator. An agreement was signed by all the roommates about rules regarding the dog, some benefiting the dog owner and some benefiting the other housemates. Everyone in the house kept a copy of the agreement so that there would be no confusion on the new house rules. In the end, this final agreement created boundaries for everyone and helped make the house much more peaceful. 

Fractionation, Framing, Reframing, and Common Ground-Week Four

Fractionation- When a mediator breaks down an argument into smaller ones. This makes it easier for the disputants to solve each problem one at a time and get to the root of the problem.

Framing- When a mediator asks questions that do not pass judgment on anyone involved.

Reframing- When a mediator takes someone’s statement, which is passing judgment or blame, and either rephrases it or reshapes it to make the disputants see it from a different light.

Common Ground- These are attitudes, values, behaviors, expectations, and goals that the disputants can agree upon.

A good example of fractionation was an argument I had with my boyfriend on Valentines Day. I was upset because I had been trying to plan a dinner with him for about 3 weeks, but he seemed to have no real interest in celebrating. Because of our busy schedules we wouldn’t have been able to do anything until after 9 so although I was fine with keeping things simple, I was hurt that he didn’t even acknowledge that it was valentines day. What I thought was his lack of interest in me, turned out to be much bigger than I had originally thought. After a few hours of talking, we broke down the initial argument into several components so we could get to the root of the problem and make sure we were both on the same page. It turned out that there were a lot of things going on in his personal and family life that were effecting our relationship and after using fractionation, we were able to discover the root of the issue. Now that we have had this talk, I see a big improvement in his overall attitude. If we hadn’t used fractionation to solve our problems, I would have thought that my boyfriend was losing interest in me when really, there were a lot of other struggles he was going through that I didn’t even know about.

Communication Majors, Lawyers, or Psychotherapists-Week Four

 I believe that communication majors make good mediators because we know how to listen. Even when someone isn't good at expressing themselves, communication majors are able to listen and figure out what a person is really trying to say. Rather than just come up with a quick solution, communication majors care to hear everyones side of the story and pay attention to the actual needs of everyone involved.
Although a lawyer may listen to you, it is their job to defend you and make sure you win, not necessarily resolve conflict. Because of this, lawyers are unable to effectively resolve an issue and come up with a solution to satisfy more than one person.
Psychotherapists may listen, but they also overanalyze. I believe that a psychotherapist would be better at mediating a situation better than a lawyer, but it would not be comfortable for the people involved. Every little thing would be analyzed and broken down.

Choosing The Appropriate Communication Option-Week Three

There are three aspects to affective communication: the occasion, the other person, and your needs. An occasion is a situation, time, or location in which certain behaviors take place. What may be appropriate in one setting is not appropriate in another. We treat people according to the relationship we share with them, which is why it is important to recognize the other person. How you speak to your grandmother may be different than how you speak to your best friend. It is important to recognize these differences because these people are directly affected by your behavior. Lastly, you need to recognize your needs. Abigail and Cahn explain that, “We must satisfy at least some of our needs if we want to live a life worth living, but some needs are better put off at least temporarily or reduced to a less prominent position”(63). Although it is important to identify you needs, it is just as important to compromise and work with the other person in order to come to a resolution.

I remember a time where my boyfriend and I were just not getting along. We were extremely irritated with one another and were not able to communicate without pointless bickering. We had gone to my parent’s house for a family BBQ and it was obvious to everyone that we were not getting along. We realized that this was not the appropriate occasion to be bickering and decided to save the argument for a better time where we would be able to talk in private and come up with an agreement to satisfy both of our needs.

Abuse or Discipline? Week Three

There is a big difference between being abusive and teaching your child a lesson. I believe a lot of parent’s cross the line of abuse and proper punishment because they feel as if they have lost control of a situation.I do not feel that physical contact is ever a proper punishment for doing something bad.

Growing up, my parents never once put their hands on me. As a child I got time outs and as a teen I was grounded or my privileges were taken away. In my opinion, these punishments were proper and effective. At a young age my parents taught me to have respect for others. Because of this respect I had for my parents, I hardly ever disobeyed them or broke their rules. If I did do something they didn’t approve of, rather than spank or hit me, my parents talked to me and explained why I was being punished. If my parents had ever been physical with me, I would have lost that respect and trust I shared with them.

One time my mom and I were playing around in the kitchen. She was pretending to be irritated at me and swat me with a pan. At the time we thought it was hilarious but her wrist ended up giving out and she accidentally tapped the top of my head with the pan. Although it was an accident and my mother felt terrible, my feelings were really hurt. If my parents had ever intentionally been physical with me in any way, I know that our relationship wouldn’t be as strong as it is today.

As adults when we get into an argument is it ever okay to slap someone or hit a person with a belt? In most circumstances this would be classified as abuse. So why is it any different with a child? If I would not hit my boyfriend or my parents for doing something bad, I would not hit my child. In my opinion, I think people overstep their authority to punish their children the second they lay their hands on them.

I feel as if children are able to understand that their will be repercussions for their bad actions without the parent ever having to lay a hand on them. I believe that actually explaining why the child is in trouble followed by another form of punishment other than spanking or hitting is far more effective and creates a better relationship between the parent and child.

Relationship-Centered Orientation Week 3.

In dealing with conflict, I find myself leaning towards the relationship-centered orientation. I believe that I prefer this type of orientation because it allows me to see the "we" in an argument. I try my best to satisfy my needs, while respecting the other person's as well.

When it comes to communication behavior, I am definitely assertive. Abigail and Cahn describe assertive communication as, "the ability to speak up for one's interests, concerns, or rights in a way that does not interfere with the interests or infringes on the rights of others"(53). I always take charge of a situation and voice my opinions, but I make sure to do so in a way that does not offend the other person involved. I am usually satisfied with the outcome of a situation while using this orientation because typically everyone’s needs are met.

The other two orientations include the other-centered orientation and the self-centered orientation. I feel like neither of these orientations apply to me and that I typically stick with relationship-centered orientation. I may be more willing to compromise with a person I am closer to such as a family member or my boyfriend, but I try my best to show respect and come up with an outcome to satisfy both me and the other person involved.

The Inevitability of Conflict Principle

The inevitability of conflict principle "runs contrary to the idea that, if we look long and hard, we can find people with whom we share conflict free lives"(7). I chose to discuss this principle because I believe it is important for people to understand that conflict is something that is impossible to avoid. A lot of people go through life believing that being nice and avoiding confrontation means they will never come across conflict, but this principle proves that to be wrong. Rather than focusing on avoiding conflict all together, people should learn how to better manage conflict when they are forced to face it.

In the past I tried really hard to avoid conflict completely. Even if something was bothering me, I kept my mouth shut and pretended things were fine in an attempt to avoid conflict. By not facing my issues, I was under the impression that I didn't have any. I soon realized how unhappy and overwhelmed I was. It was exhausting trying to pretend everything was perfect all of the time when it really wasn't.

I now understand that conflict is inevitable, no matter how nice of a person you are. Rather than ignoring my issues, I approach them in a reasonable manner. I feel as if my communication skills regarding conflict have improved immensely. I now focus my time on learning how to approach conflict the right way instead of pretending conflict isn't there.

Non-Process View of Communication

As explained in chapter two, a process view of communication consists of 5 steps: prelude, triggering, initiation, differentiation, and resolution. In order to come to a resolution, all parties involved must follow these steps.

For the most part I believe that I am fairly good at resolving conflict. I am a sensitive person and am very aware of my feelings as well as those around me. I like to discuss problems in a calm manner and work through them to find a solution that makes everyone happy. I love to talk through problems and find the root of the issue but my boyfriend is the complete opposite. He is not in touch with his emotions and has a hard time communicating. In his eyes the best way to solve a problem is to avoid it until it goes away. For him the problem isn’t that he doesn’t want to work through issues, it’s that he doesn’t understand how. In my opinion a non-process view of communication happens when a person is not even able to address an issue in the first place.  His inability to work through problems makes me feel discouraged and I begin to lose focus and forget the 5-step process.

To fix this, we usually will drop the issue and take a couple of hours to ourselves. This gives us the chance to clear our minds and figure out how we feel about the situation. Later when we have calmed down and have had time to think, we are able to discuss the situation and usually come up with some type of agreement. 

Conflict is Inevitable

Conflict is inevitable. I believe that conflict is an inborn trait, something that is instinctive for people even at a young age. Once a person starts to develop their own thoughts and opinions, it is only natural for them to have conflict with those with opposing views. Even young children come across conflict before they are able to speak, becoming fussy or throwing temper tantrums when they do not get their way. It is human nature to have conflicts in interpersonal relationships.

I actually believe that conflict is valuable in a relationship. The main reason why my past relationships hadn’t worked out was because we argued too much and couldn’t come up with solutions to our problems. Conflict is natural and is going to happen no matter how hard you try to avoid it. In my opinion, conflict is a good way to test the strength of a relationship. If someone is willing to work with me through problems, I know they are someone I want to be in my life. I would not want to have a relationship with someone who wasn’t willing to communicate.